In the last several months I have had occasions where I feel exhausted, achy, my heart beats fast and I feel like I’m shaking. Little things bother me – a lot. I get snippy with my family and my tolerance for chaos, noise and whining is gone.
The kids come to me at bedtime with questions like “where are my jammies” “where do I put…” “did you sign my paper” “how come I have to go to bed now” “I can’t find my blanket or homework or <insert item here>, do you know where it is?” It should feel flattering that they think that I have it all together and know everything. On most days, my normal 1,000,000 item to-do list is always chugging along in my head. But, during one of these occasions, it’s all I can do to hold it together and not come unglued. Why must I know “everything?!” Why is it my responsibility for EVERYTHING?
It’s not like I don’t warn them. I tell them when I’m not feeling well and that I feel short-tempered. It’s only fair to give warning, right? I’ve even caught myself telling G “You are making me very upset and I’m really concentrating on slowly breathing in and out right now. You would be wise to stop before I lose it.” No one really listens.
Eventually, I lose it. I’ll start ranting and stomping around the house flinging papers, blankets or other requested items. All I really want to do is go to bed, but I can’t until all the chaos makers are in bed.
From what I can tell it is cyclical. It happens every other month or so. It’s happened a handful of times. I can feel it coming, like anxiety, and I hate the person it makes me become. If it’s a medication I’m taking, I want off of it. It’s happened enough times now that I can’t say it’s just a fluke or something. It’s time to start some investigation…